Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday.
She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results.
On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around.
As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35,"he replied.
"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.
After that she went into McDonald's for lunch and asked the order taker the same question.
He replied, "Oh, you look about 29."
"I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good.
While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question.
He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."
There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt.
After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47."
Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
She yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight, you pig!"
Everyone in the bar stops and stares.
Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table with a red face.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing public situations."
To which the guy responds as loudly as possible, "What do you mean $200 for a BJ?"
Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
A little boy says, ‘Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.’ ‘Son,’ says the dad.
‘That happens everywhere.’
The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier, "I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning."
"Thank you very much, sir."
A guy goes into a tattoo parlor and asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis.
Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that.
"Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and a hundred dollars seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."
Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years.
One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.
A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen.
His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?"
"Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, um, she got fired, too."
A blonde walked into an electronics store and said to the salesmen: "I want that tv."
The salesperson shook his head and said, "No, we don't sell to blondes."
So the blonde left and came back with her hair dyed brown and said: "I'll take that tv."
Again the salesman said: "No, we don't sell to blondes."
So she left again and came back with her hair dyed black and said: "I want that tv."
But the salesman still said: "No, we don't sell to blondes."
Finally the blonde got fed up and said, "That's it! How'd you know I was a blonde?!" she asked.
The salesman answered: "Cause that's a microwave."
Vote:
My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.