Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Q: What's red, sits in front of a mirror, and gets smaller and smaller? A: A vain idiot combing his hair with a potato peeler.
One cutting edge aquarium saved a lot of money when its owner discovered a means to make the dolphins live forever -- since the dolphins never died, no money needed to be spent on buying new ones. Extending the dolphins' lives required putting a special mixture into their food; one of the ingredients was baby sea gull meat. So one day, one of the workers was sent to the beach to find some. On the way back, baby sea gulls in hand, he had to pass through a forest. In the middle of the path was a sleeping lion. He very carefully stepped over it, only to be handcuffed by a policeman. "Officer," he said, "what's going on?" "You're under arrest," said the policeman. "But why?" he asked. The policeman replied, "For transporting young gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises."
In fourth grade, a teacher edited Chuck Norris's essay. Big mistake. You don't edit Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris edits you... with his fist.
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green." The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. "Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro. "Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup," the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again. "Oh great! NOW you tell me." said the beginner.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
A blonde girl was talking to her redhead friend about her boyfriend's dandruff problem. The redhead says "Why don't you give him Head and Shoulders?" The blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders?"
Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
What’s the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman? The car salesman can probably drive!
For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.