Chuck Norris does not require food, drink, shelter, or sleep, only confirmed kills.
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An English professor complained to the pet shop proprietor, “The parrot I purchased uses improper language.”
“I’m surprised,” said the owner.
“I’ve never taught that bird to swear.”
“Oh, it isn’t that,” explained the professor.
“But yesterday I heard him split an infinitive.”
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass.
At night.
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Q: Why can't a blonde count to 70?
A: Because 69's a mouthful.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
My wife is temperamental.
Fifty per cent temper and 50 per cent mental.
Yo mama so stupid that when I was drowning I yelled out to her that I needed a life saver and she said "Cherry or grape?"
A Blonde was at a gumball machine.
She put a quarter in and kept getting a gumball out.
The man behind her asked if he could get a gumball.
She said, "Shut up! I'm WINNING!"
Chuck Norris doesn't do his taxes.....he just sends a blank tax form with his picture on it.
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