What's the difference between a baby and a grandmother? Grandmothers don't die when you fuck them up the ass.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ''Did you get my drift?''.
I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
"My son, this is your senior year at school so your mom and I decided that you’re going to be a doctor." "But what are you saying dad? You know very well that I’m not in a position even to... kill a mosquito."
Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men? A: So they can stand closer to the sink.
What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? About 40 lb.
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp? (A bear-faced lyre!)
Daddy, why doesn’t this magnet pick up this floppy disk?