An Irish man walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants. "Hey," he says, "What's with the steering wheel down your pants?" "Ach," says the Irish man, "it's drivin' me nuts!"
Your fart's so loud, astronauts in space mistook your fart for a message from Houston!
Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball. "I was the James Bond type of player," he told his friends. "I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition." "Batted .007," his wife added.
Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are man's best friend. So which is the dumber sex?
When you're neckin' with yer honey And your nose is kinda runny You might think it's funny... But it's not.
A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. "What's going on?" she yells out the window. "Cow on the track!" replies the conductor. Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walk again. She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"
What did the blonde say about blonde jokes? She said they were pretty good, but might offend some Puerto Ricans.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
He was so ugly when he was born they didn’t know whether to buy a cot or a cage.
Panic: When your babysitter calls to ask where you keep the fire extinguisher.