Aunt's Pay A young lady went to the dress shop where her aunt worked and picked up her aunt's pay. On the way home she was robbed, so she called the police and said, "I just lost my aunt's pay." The desk sargeant said , "Ouyay, Unnyfay!"
Golfer: "Well caddy, do you like my game?" Caddy: "Very good, sir! But personally I prefer golf."
Q. What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10? A. She picks up her purse and goes home.
Q: Why did the duck go to Brooklyn? A: To buy some quack.
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so GOOD for you!
Fred: Thank you so much for lending me that money. I shall be everlastingly in your debt. Harry: That's what I'm afraid of!
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ''He's trying to pull a fast one''.
Q: What did the bartender say after Charles Dickens ordered a martini? A: "Olive or twist?"
A jury consists of twelve people chosen to decide who has the best lawyer.
Q. How do rednecks have safe sex? A. They mark the sheep that kick!