A young man was walking into town one day when a wood hauler gave him a ride.
After traveling about a mile or two, the truck was stopped by the highway patrol for a weight check and inspection.
The truck inspection revealed the truck had slick tires; no horn; no head, tail or signal lights; no windshield wipers.
Also, it was overloaded and had bad brakes.
"Mister," the patrolman said to the driver, "I think the best way to charge you is 'hauling wood without a truck.'"
What do you call a woman that works like a man??
Lazy.
A young woman all excited called up her local police department and said, "I have a sex maniac in my apartment!"
The officer at the other end said, "We'll be right over lady."
The woman said, "Can you wait till morning?"
A lot of people are desperate today.
A fellow walked up to me, he said, "You see a cop around here?"
I said, "No."
He said, "Stick 'em up!"
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead.
She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.
The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
A lawyer with insomnia consults his doctor.
‘Which side is it best to lie on?’ he asks.
‘The side that pays your fee,’ replies the doctor.
Why didn't the teddy bear eat his lunch?
(Because he was stuffed!)
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
I’ve just come into some money.
I wonder if they’ll still accept it at the shop?