What would you call a drunk who works at an upholstery shop? A recovering alcoholic.
What a barman! When I asked for something tall, cold and full of gin, he called his wife out.
A regular at Bob's Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful. "Whoa, Sam!" said the bartender. "Who gave those beauties to you?" "Nobody gave them to me," said Sam. "I had to fight like crazy for both of them."
The best way of saving money is to forget who you borrowed it from.
‘He’s spending a year dead for tax purposes.’ Douglas Adams
A man takes a beautiful blonde to his apartment. They're kissing in the elevator when she feels something in his pocket. "What is that?" she asks. "Those are my golf balls." "Is that like tennis elbow?"
What’s the hardest thing about learning to ice skate? The ice.
Two rabbits are in a garden and one of the rabbits says, "Thith carrot tathes pithy." The other rabbit says, "Yes, I know, I just pithed on it."
Why is money green? Because people usually pick it before it's ripe!
Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.