A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!" The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"
Why do people like to borrow money in Alaska? Because they have Fairbanks!
Why did the mean teacher walk around with her purse open? She'd read there was going to be some change in the weather.
Tom is walking home from the pub late one night when he takes a short cut across a cow field. Halfway across he drops his hat. He has to try on fifty others before he finds it again.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a 747? Not everyone’s been in a 747.
John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain. When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat. "How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud John to a deck hand. "It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"
A kangaroo mom with seven babies in her pouch told another kangaroo mom, "These sleepovers are killing me."
How does a man show he's planning for the Future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus the clowns don't talk.
What do you call a frog with no legs? It doesn't matter- he won't come anyway.