A man is at his lawyer's funeral and and is surprised by the turnout for this one man. He turns to the people around him. "Why are you all at this man's funeral?" A man turns towards him and says, "We're all clients." "And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching." "No, we came to make sure he was dead."
How do most men compare to Mel Gibson? They have everything he has, except talent, money, and looks.
Definition of a man with manners – he gets out of the bath to pee.
She only drinks to forget she drinks.
Your fart's so loud, astronauts in space mistook your fart for a message from Houston!
One day there was a woman who lost her cat named "LOVE." It was pretty dark outside and she lived in New York. So, thinking that he might be down the street, she put on her house-coat and went looking for him. When a police officer stopped to ask what she was doing, she said very honestly, "I'm looking for LOVE." The policeman arrested her on the spot.
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The guy says, "75 cents."
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger between his neck and the noose.
Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
How did the live baby escape from a room filled with with zombie babies? He ate his way out.