A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The guy says, "75 cents."
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger between his neck and the noose.
Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
How did the live baby escape from a room filled with with zombie babies? He ate his way out.
A blonde goes horseback riding for the first time in her life, she's never had any prior lessons or training. As soon as her bottom hits the saddle, the horse gallops away. Immediately the girl realizes she's not in the saddle correctly and she does everything she can to stay on the horse, she pulls on the horse's mane, she grabs the saddle ... but she realizes it's no use. Finally she decides the best thing to do is to jump clear of the horse but as she does this, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup and she is dragged by the horse. Her head is hitting the ground ... thump ... thump ... thump ... over and over again. Just as she is about to lose consciousness ..... the store manager runs out and unplugs the horse!
The man says, "Will you buy booze?" The bum says, "No." The man says, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum says, "No." So the man says, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
In what type of weather is the vet the busiest? When its raining cats and dogs.
Yo mama is so ugly that when I showed a picture of my ass they said they are twins!
According to the police, if you hold your purse by the strap and under your arm, nothing will ever happen to you.... Unless your name happens to be Bruce.