Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money. "I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"
Why has Guinness got a white head on it? So when you’re drunk you know which end to start on.
Q: How can you tell when a man is dead? A: He stays stiff for more than two minutes.
A husband gives his wife a complete mink outfit for her birthday – a 12-bore shotgun and some traps.
He doesn’t like to drink. It’s just something to do while he gets drunk.
He drank like a fish. Which would have been okay if he’d drunk what the fish drinks.
How do you get a blonde to marry you? Tell her she’s pregnant.
I got this antique watch from my grandfather on his deathbed – he put up one hell of a fight for it.
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I saw a tramp who was so broke he was standing on the corner shouting, ‘Will work for cardboard and a magic marker!’