In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job".
That is the story of the universe.
Vote:
Yo momma’s so ugly, she makes onions cry.
Wife to husband: ‘When I married you you said you had an ocean-going yacht!’
Husband: ‘Shut up and row.’
What is the thinnest book in the world?
"What men know about women."
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man.
"I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
This guy walks into a bar with this really great shirt on.
The bartender goes, "Where'd you get the great shirt mate?"
The man replies, "David Jones." This 2nd guy walks into the bar with really good pants on and the bartender goes "Where'd you get the great pants mate?"
The man replies, " David Jones." This 3rd guy walks into the bar with really great shoes and sock on.
The bartender goes, "Where'd you get the great shoes and socks mate?" The man replies, "David Jones."
Then this 4th guy runs in naked and the bartender goes, "Look Who the hell are you mate?"
And the naked guy says, "I'm David Jones!"
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office.
Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck.
The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
Drinking a non-alcoholic beer is like muffing your sister, it tastes the same but something's not right about it.
Someone calls at the hotline:
Good evening.
I’ve just installed Windows 98...
So?
Wheel I have a problem...
Ok, ok, you just said that...
What fur do we get from a tiger?
As fur as possible!