How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.
Harry, to Tom: ‘I went to the dentist this morning.’ Tom: ‘So does your tooth still hurt?’ Harry: ‘I don’t know; he kept it.’
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife... When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Shoot him before he hits the water.
Q: How does David Beckham change a light bulb? A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him.
Golf: A five-mile walk punctuated with disappointments.
A drunk falls into one of the fountains in Trafalgar Square. Floundering around, he looks up and sees Nelson standing on his column. ‘Don’t jump!’ he shouts. ‘This is the shallow end!’
He was a colourful boxer. Black and blue all over.
‘Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.’
Have you seen the offices of the RSPCA? It’s tiny; you couldn’t swing a cat in there.