Two guys are fishing when one of them catches a fish. He brings it in the boat and as he cuts it open to clean it, a genie pops out and says, "Thanks for freeing me. I will grant you one wish." The fisherman looks around and says, "Well, we are almost out of beer, how about you turn this whole damn lake into beer". *POOF* the genie grants his wish and leaves. His partner slaps him on the chest and says, "What the hell did you do that for, now we have to piss in the boat!!"
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable assh*le!" she screamed. "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
What did God say after she made Eve? "Practice makes perfect."
Q. Why did the dum blond keep failing her driver's test? A. Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat.
What did the trampolinist say? ‘Life has its ups and downs, but I always bounce back.’ Tennis
What kind of shoes do frogs wear? Open toad!
What do frogs do with paper? Rip-it!
How do you get a Michigan girl into an elevator? Grease her hips, and throw in a Twinkie.
If Chuck Norris ran for president, the competition would drop out, and he would get infinite terms.
Now there's a rack I'd like to be stretched out on.