I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
How does a frog confuse you? When he comes out and says he needed that nap and feels much better.
What did the frog say to the fly? You are really starting to bug me!
"Waiter, this vinegar is rather lumpy." Waiter: "That's because they're pickled onions, sir."
Uncle Harry is very rich. His dog was lonely so he bought it a boy to play with. ‘He’s spending a year dead for tax purposes.’ Douglas Adams
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!”
A man had an idea that could make him rich. After it was perfected he brought it to an inventors' help group. When asked what his great invention was, he pulled out an apple. The group looked at it and started laughing. The inventor said, "You don't understand! Taste it." A volunteer tried it and said, "Mmmmmmm, tastes like peaches." The inventor said, "Flip it over." He flipped it over and took another chunk of the apple. "Mmmmmmmm, tastes like grapes." The inventor offered a new apple and the volunteer said, "What does it taste like?" "Pussy," said the inventor. The guy bit into it, and spit it out with an awful look on his face and shouted, "That tasted like ass!" The inventor winked and said, "Flip it over."
I’ve got nothing against watching a darts match. I just wish my IQ were low enough to enjoy it.
An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.