What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise? A zebra with a drum kit.
Think nobody knows you’re alive? Try missing a payment.
What's green and red? A very mad frog.
What did the dog say to the hot dog bun? "Are you pure bred?"
I can teach my cat any trick he wants to do!
I heard my tire thumping, I thought it was flat. When I looked at my tire I discovered your cat. Sorry...
A tourist was drowning in the sea: Help! Help! He screams. Very calm the fisherman says: Press F1 already and stop screaming. You’re scaring the fishes away.
A man makes a phone call to an export office in a port of France, and asks whether they can ship a 20’ container with live geese properly stored in their appropriate places. Oui monsieur; what is the destination port for this load? I’m sending them to the zoo in Brazil. Wouldn’t you be better off calling the export office in Portugal? Why is that sir? If you’re sending them to Brazil to avoid bureaucracy, then you should contact the Portuguese; of course!
Q: Whats the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan? A: Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke!
A bloke walks into a pub and sees Van Gogh standing at the bar. ‘Hi Van, can I get you a drink?’ ‘No, thanks, I got one ear.’