John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man!
Drinking is a Sin!
Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"
Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do you know this, Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so."
"But have you ever had a drink yourself?
How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
"Don’t be ridiculous – of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink – if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"
"I’ll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.
"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"
"Oh no!
It’s not that Nun again is it?"
A group from Chicago spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas.
One of the men on that trip won $100,000.
He didn't want anyone to know about it, so he decided not to return with the others, but took a later plane home - arriving back 3 a.m.
He immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it.
The following morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole.
He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute.
On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man.
Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house.
"You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my $100,000 I'm going to kill him!" he screamed at the professor.
The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language, "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree."
The professor turned to the man with the gun and said, "He's not going to tell you.
He said he'd rather die first."
Yo' Mama is so stupid, she gave your kids a "Yo' Grandmama Is So Stupid" joke book.
What's a moo hoo for a stuffed steer?
A full bull.
What do rabbits put in their computers?
Hoppy disks.
What do you get when you cross a bunny with a spider?
A harenet.
Did you hear about Mike Tyson's horse?
It got angry and bit at the champ!
Q: What do you get if you mix a rabbit and a snake?
A: A jump rope!
Chuck Norris... Chuck Norris... Chuck Norris... Okay, I've finished my morning prayers.
Vote:
On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers.
He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.
Vote: