Best jokes ever

Husband to wife: ‘I hear you’ve been telling everyone that I’m an idiot.’ Wife: ‘Sorry, I didn’t know it was a secret.’
Vote: has 88.78 % from 220 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage
"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man. "Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend. "I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."
Vote: has 88.74 % from 240 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage, marriage, wife, alcohol
Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home. One boy throws his bag out the window. Teacher: who just threw that?! Boy: Me! I’m going home now.
Vote: has 88.72 % from 6682 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: school, teacher
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant and have a little wine and good food. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Vote: has 88.71 % from 208 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage, wife, husband, food, wine
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
Vote: has 88.66 % from 4176 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: little Johnny, math, teacher, animal, wedding
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it." "You're wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled. "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
Vote: has 88.66 % from 2615 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: sex
Q: What is the definition of "accountant"? A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
Vote: has 88.65 % from 21 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: accountant, money, work
A man brings his cat to a veterinarian. He lives the cat there and returns in two days, as preagreed. He asks the veterinarian: Is my cat still alive? Still not...
Vote: has 88.64 % from 2961 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal, cat, death
Jack and his wife lived in Arizona where the summers are very hot. He woke up one day when they were having a heat wave. As he stepped out of the shower he complained to his wife saying, “it’s just too hot to wear any clothes on a day like this. What would the neighbors think if I mowed the lawn with no clothes.” “That I married you only for your money.”
Vote: has 88.64 % from 175 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage
A woman was telling her friend , "It was I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A multi-millionaire".
Vote: has 88.63 % from 248 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage, women, husband, money