A blond smokes in her yard. The garbage man asks her: Any garbage today? Yes, tree sacks please...
How do you make a cat be a dog? Pour gasoline on it and light it with a match. It will go 'WOOF.'
The six front keys have rotted out.
Why did the policman cry? because he couldn"t take his Panda to bed!
A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us." The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute." The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us." The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."
When is the best time to bury that baby you killed? When it starts talking to you again.
Q. What's green and red? A. A very mad frog.
What do you call a frog that crosses the road, jumps in a puddle, and crosses the road again? A dirty double-crosser!
A classic Tommy Cooper gag "I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays", was fifth.
What’s the difference between England and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer. Basketball