Best jokes ever

Q: What is a difference between Ooooh and Aaaah? A: Only 3 inches.

Who's the biggest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.

Teacher: If a lion is chasing you, what would you do? Christy: I'd climb a tree. Teacher: if the lion climbs a tree? Christy: I will jump in the lake and swim. Teacher: if the lion also jumps in the water and swims after you? Christy: Teacher, are you on my side or on the lion's?

What do a bungee jump and a Hooker have in common? They're both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're dead.

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"

A man is trying to understand the nature of God, time, and the Universe. He asks God, “How long is a billion years to you?” God says, “A billion years is like a second to me.” The man asks, “Well, how much is a billion dollars to you?” God says, “A billion dollars is like a penny to me.” So the man says, “God, can I have a penny?” And God replies, “In a sec.”

Boss: "This is the third time you've been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?" Me: "That it's only Wednesday."

A lawyer was standing in a long line to get tickets for a theatre play. Suddenly, he felt the hands of the man behind him, kneading into his back. He turned and gave the man a stern look, and the kneading stopped. But a few minutes later, he again felt the man’s hands on his back. "Excuse me," the lawyer asked, "But why are you touching my back?" "I’m a chiropractor," the man replied, "and I sometimes I can’t keep myself from practicing my skills." "Get control of yourself," the lawyer shot back. "I’m an attorney, and you don’t see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know." Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone." Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."

A motorist gets caught in an automated speed trap that photographs his car. He later receives a ticket in the mail for $40 with a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sends the police department a photograph of $40. A few days later, he gets a letter from the police department with a picture of handcuffs.