Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day. "Yes," came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, "I've bought her a belt and a bag." "That was very kind of you," Jim added, 'I hope she appreciated the thought." Tony smiled as he replied, "So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now."
Q: What kind of money do elves use? A: Jingle bills!
Phone a friend and tell them you're a doctor, and you're very, very sorry, but you did everything you could to save their... then pretend that the connection dropped out. Wait a couple beats, then give your deepest condolences. Then hang up.
Q: What do you call Harrison Ford when he smokes weed? A: Han So-high
"I have the body of an athlete." "Better give it back. You're getting it out of shape."
Chuck Norris doesn't blink...reality pauses.
He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.
Every time you're sad, just remember that somewhere out there a tree grew for years and years, but was then destroyed and became material for a Justin Bieber notebook.
What happened when the cannibal ate the speaking clock? It repeated on him.
Q: Why didn't the dentist ask his secretary out? A: He was already taking out a tooth.