Arnold Schwarzenegger always says he'll be back.
But Chuck Norris always handles things the first time
Vote:
A race of aliens visits earth one day; they come in peace and surprisingly, they speak English.
Obviously all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors.
When it's the pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our lord and savior Jesus Christ?"
"You mean J.C?", responds the alien.
"yeah we know him he's the greatest isn't he? He swings by every year to make sure that we are doing ok".
Surprised, the pope follows up with "He visits every year?! It's been over 2 millenia and we're still waiting for his SECOND coming!"
The alien sees that the pope has become irate at this fact and starts trying to rationalize "Maybe he likes our chocolate better than yours?"
The pope retorts "Chocolates? What are you talking about? What does that have to do with anything?"
The alien says "Yea, when he FIRST visited our planet we gave him a huge box of chocolates. Why? What did you guys do?"
Vote:
Why is there no mexican olympics?
Because everyone who can run, jump, or swim is already across the boarder.
Q: What food diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%?
A: Her wedding cake.
How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman.
After a few minutes he turns to her and says, “Can I smell your pussy?”
The woman looks at him in disgust and says, “Certainly not!”
“Hmmm,” he replies. “It must be your feet, then.”
A woman walks into a chemist’s and asks if they sell extra-large condoms.
‘Yes, we do,’ says the sales assistant.
‘Would you like to buy some?’
‘No thanks,’ replies the woman.
‘But if you don’t mind, I’ll wait here for someone who does.’
Q: What do you do with a sick chemist?
A: If you can't helium, and you can't curium, then you might as well barium.
The doctor gave me one year to live.
So in the heat of the moment, I shot him.
And the judge gave me 15 years.
Problem solved.
Going to war without the French is like going hunting without your accordion.