Your mamma is so fat when she steps on the scales it says one at a time please.
A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it. Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him. "You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."
Yo Momma so stupid, she thought seaweed is something fish smoke.
There were three nuns, they all told the priest that they were going to do one sin each. So the priest says ok, do your sins, come back, and I’ll bless you. So, they went to do their sins and came back to get blessed. The priest asked the first one who was laughing what her sin was. She said, "I had sex with a guy." The priest said ok, blessed her and said go drink some holy water. So she did! The next one was laughing harder, and the priest asked her what her sin was. She said, "I got in a fight with another nun." So he says ok, blessed her and told her to go drink some holy water. So she did. The priest asked the last one who was laughing even harder what she did. And as she was laughing she said, "I pissed in the holy water!"
Chuck Norris can swim in an empty pool.
Chuck Norris wrote the Assassins creed!
What is the difference between an pilot and a pig? The pig doesn't turn into a pilot when it's drunk.
Chuck Norris once spelled the entire alphabet using only M&Ms.
Chuck Norris kills 100% of germs.
Q: Why do Java programmers have to wear glasses? A: Because they don't C#.