Two fathers chat outside school in the morning; "Bill, have you solved your son’s math problems?" "Yes, man, I did. Why?" "Can you quickly give them to me, so I can copy them...?"
Women are like telephones. They love to be held. They love to be talked to. But, if you press the wrong button, you're disconnected.
What did the Boston Marathon bombers do that Hitler couldn't? Ended a race.
Q: What is the difference between northern and southerner fairytales? A: Northerner starts off with "Once upon a time..." a southerner starts with "listen to this shit..."
Since it started to rain, my wife can't stop looking through the window. If it will start pouring down, I'm afraid I will have to let her inside.
A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo. They are standing in front of the big silver back gorillas cage when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation. He grabs her, yanks her over the fence, and takes her to his nest in the pen. There he ravishes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital. Her friend, deeply concerned, visits her the next day. “Are you hurt?” she asks. She replies, “Of course I’m hurt! He hasn’t called! He hasn’t written!”
What do you do if an epileptic falls in your pool? Throw in your laundry.
A big dirty farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "This is the pig I have to f*ck when you're not up for s*x." His wife says: "I think you'll find that's a sheep." He says: " I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep!"
4 reasons why I curse 1) Because I fucking want to. 2) Because I fucking can. 3) Because I don't give a fuck. 4) Because my mom isn't around.
Yo Momma so stupid, she thought seaweed is something fish smoke.