John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"
Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do you know this, Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so."
"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"
"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.
"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"
"Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"
Maths teacher: "If you have 12 chocolates and you give
5 to Priya,
3 to Sonia and
2 to Penny then what will you get?"
"3 new Girlfriends!"
Vote:
Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk by again?
The teacher asked Johnny, "What is sex?"
Johnny stood up and said: "Sex is a temptation caused my a sensation where a boy sticks his location into a girls destination to increase the population of the next generation"
The teacher stared at him and fainted.
Vote:
A tourist is in Spain, and goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner.
As he looks around, he notices a diner being served a beautifully garnished dish with two gigantic meatballs in the middle.
When the waiter asks him for his order, the man asks him about the meatball dish.
The waiter explains that the meatballs are bull's testicles, and when the bull loses the bullfight, the bull is brought to the restaurant, and this beautiful dish is made.
The diner tells the waiter that he wants the bulls testicles for dinner, but the waiter tells him that only one bull a day is brought to the restaurant, but he can have it tommorrow.
The diner agrees.
The next day the diner goes to the restaurant, and orders the testicle dish.
When his food is brought out, he notices that the meatballs are extremely small.
He mentions this to the waiter, and the waiter replies: "Well sir you have to understand, sometimes the bull wins".
Q: Why do men fart louder than women?
A: because they have a microphone and two speakers.
Mary to Jill: ‘My last boyfriend said he fantasised about having two girls at once.
Jill: ‘Most men do. What did you tell him?’
Mary: ‘I said, “If you can’t satisfy one woman, why would you want to piss off another one?”’
Chuck Norris can light ants on fire with a magnifying glass.
At Night.
Vote:
A guy orders spaghetti in a restaurant.
In the middle of eating he finds a hair in his food.
He says to the waiter, "I'm not paying for this dirty meal," and walks out.
The waiter watches the guy go into a whorehouse.
The waiter waits about 10 minutes, bursts through the door and finds the guy with his face buried in p**sy.
The waiter says, "You eat p**sy and complain about one hair in your spaghetti."
The man replies, "Yeah, and if I find any spaghetti in this p**sy, I'm not paying for it either."
Contrary to what people say, you can indeed drink to relax.
Of course sometimes, you get so calm, you cant move.