Best jokes ever

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.  Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"  The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.  Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it... with the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... and then 2 days and then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said... "OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"
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Chuck Norris can win a Grammy from coughing.
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Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? A: Shoot him before he hits the water.
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Chuck Norris doesn't travel at the speed of light, light travels at the speed of Chuck Norris!
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How can you help a starving cannibal? Give him a helping hand.
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A snail starts a slow climb up the trunk of an apple tree. He is watched by a sparrow who can't help laughing and eventually says "Don't you know there aren't any apples on the tree yet?" "Yes," said the snail, "but there will be by the time I get up there."
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Q: Why did God create Adam before he created eve? A: Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.
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3 Database SQL walked into a NoSQL bar. A little while later they walked out because they couldn't find a table.
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There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
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Q: Why was the blonde late for work? A: She was stranded on the broken escalator.
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