One day 2 blondes decided to drive to Disney Land.
When they saw a sign that said 'Disney Land left' they turned around and went home.
A guy is sitting in a bar; absolutely drooling at a pretty young thing in her short, pink mini-dress.
Using the time-honoured icebreaker, he sends her a drink.
"How lucky am I," he thinks, as she gets up to come sit next to him.
They strike up a wonderful conversation.
Finally, the girl turns to him and says, "Look, you seem like a really nice guy, so I have to tell you that I'm a working girl. I get two hundred dollars for what you think you will ply out of me with liquor."
He replies, "I have no problem with the money but, since you were so straightforward I must tell you that when I come, I go nuts. I bite, scratch, kick, punch, pull hair, break furniture, and just plain destroy the place."
"Oh my God! How long does that last?" she asked.
"Just until I get my two hundred bucks back," he replied.
An old man and his wife have gone to bed.
After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football!"
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says -
"Touchdown, tie score!"
After about five minutes the old man farts again and says -
"Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!"
Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, -
"Touchdown, tie score!"
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says -
"Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!"
Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail.
Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.
The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides!"
Elderly Man: "Father, during the war I allowed a Jewish refugee to live in my attic."
Priest: "I do not see anything wrong with that. You helped a poor soul survive the war."
Elderly Man: "I collected rent from him for every month that he stayed."
Priest: "That's not a good thing you did, but it was for a good cause. You helped him survive."
Elderly Man: "Should I tell him the war is over?"
A duck, a pigeon, and a chicken all walk into a courtroom...
The judge asked the duck, "What is your crime?"
The duck responds, "I was blowing bubbles in front of City Hall."
The judge says, "There's no crime committed here, you're free to go."
The judge then asks the pigeon, "What is your crime?"
The pigeon responds, "I was also blowing bubbles in front of City Hall."
The judge looks a little confused but finally says, "There's no crime committed here, you're also free to go."
Lastly, the chicken walks up to the judge, and the judge asks, "What is your crime?"
The chicken, first looking back at the pigeon and the duck, then turning to the judge says, "I'm bubbles."
A Husband comes home with a half gallon of Ice Cream.
He asked his wife if she wants some.
"How hard is it?" she asked.
"About as hard as my dick," he replies.
To which the woman replied, "OK, then pour me some!"
Can I help you?
No.
I just waited in the line for 30 minutes to say Hi.
Me: I just bought Tupacs of Eminems for 50 Cents.
Friend: That's Ludacris. How Kanye West your money like that?
At the doctors office:
Doc: "Unfortunately sir, you have only 1 week to live…"
Man: "Doctor what on earth are you saying?”, clearly chocked, “Tell me what can I do to live at least a little linger, please…"
Doc: "Do you eat fried food?"
Man: "Yes"
Doc: "You must stop!"
Man: "If it’s so that I live more… ill do it"
Doc: "Do you eat fat food?"
Man: "Yes"
Doc: "You must stop!"
Man: "If it’s so that I live more… ok doc"
Doc: "Do you stay up late?"
Man: "Yes"
Doc: "You must stop!"
Man: "If it’s so that I live more… ok"
Doc: "Do you have sex often?"
Man: "Yes!
Doc: "You must stop!"
Man: "If it’s so that I live more… I’ll do that too"
Doc: "Do you smoke?"
Man: "Yes"
Doc: "You must stop!"
Man: "If it’s so that I live more… I will"
Doc: "Do you drink?"
Man: "Yes..."
Doc: "You must stop!"
Man: "OK doctor, but you didn’t tell me, if I do all the things you told me, how longer will I live?"
Doc: "You will still live for a week… but it will seem like a century…"
Vote:
What does a graduate student with a science degree ask?
"Why does it work?"
What does a graduate student with an engineering degree ask?
"How does it work?"
What does a graduate student with an accounting degree ask?
"How much will it cost?"
What does a graduate student with a liberal arts degree ask?
"Do you want fries with that?"