A team of engineers were required to measure the height of a flag pole.
They only had a measuring tape, and were getting quite frustrated trying to keep the tape along the pole.
It kept falling down, etc.
A mathematician comes along, finds out their problem, and proceeds to remove the pole from the ground and measure it easily.
When he leaves, one engineer says to the other: "Just like a mathematician! We need to know the height, and he gives us the length!"
"Mommy, mommy, I found daddy!"
"How often do I have to tell you not to dig around in the garden!"
A police officer saw a car speeding down the highway.
He started chasing after the speeder .
When he got close he's saw it was a blonde woman who was actually knitting while driving.
The cop yelled, "Pull over!"
The blonde shouted back, "No! It's a sweater!"
I have a bumper sticker saying, "Honk if you think I'm sexy".
Some days I just stand at a green light till I'm feeling good about myself.
I bought these shoes from a drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day!
Vote:
Wedding night confession
Husband: Before we married, I slept with many prostitutes,
Wife: I knew I met you before..
Friend: Dude, I can't stop dreaming about my crush.
Me: Well imagine this... You're home alone, and your crush comes over to visit.
Friend: Ok I can see it...
Me: She walks into your room and you're just sitting there.
Friend: Uh-huh.. I'm likin' this.
Me: Ok. So she walks in front of you, takes her pants off.
She's not wearing any underwear.. And then she sits on you.
Friend: Oh-ho-hoo.. Whatta' naughty girl.
Me: Yeah, ok. Don't get dirty on me. So she's sitting on you.
And then... she starting shitting in you. Right then and there, you find out you're a toilet.
Friend: I hate you...
Vote:
Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, ''How do you really feel?
I mean, you're 75 years old, how do you honestly feel?''
''Honestly, I feel like a new born baby.
I've got no hair, no teeth, and I just peed myself.''
Vote:
My wife told me, "Don't get upset if someone calls you fat."
"You're much bigger than that."
Vote:
Top 3 situations that require witnesses:
1. Crimes
2. Accidents
3. Marriages
Need I say more?