A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
Chuck Norris can keep up with the Kardashians.
Yo Mommas so stupid she got lost in a telephone booth.
A snail and a slug got in a crash. When the police, ambulances and news reporters arrived, a reporter asked a tortoise what happened. He replied: "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"
The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off. – Abe Lemons
Yo momma's so fat... Your family portrait has stretch marks
little Johnny: Dad, will you do my math for me tonight? Dad: No, son, it wouldn't be right. little Johnny: Well, you could try.
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. He saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one."
Spider-man can crawl on walls and ceilings, Chuck Norris can crawl on water.
An Army Officer with an under-trainee Cadet went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep. Some hours later, Officer awoke and nudged his cadet. "Charlie, look up and tell me what you see." Charlie replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Officer asked. Watson pondered for a minute and in order to impress his officer said "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that the lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Officer was silent for a minute, and then spoke. "Charlie, you idiot, somebody has stolen our **** tent."