# Best jokes ever

Yo mama is so fat, she needs two Facebook accounts for her profile picture.
Vote: has 74.72 % from 42 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: fat, Yo mama, insulting
A snail and a slug got in a crash. When the police, ambulances and news reporters arrived, a reporter asked a tortoise what happened. He replied: "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"
Vote: has 74.72 % from 42 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: animal
The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off. – Abe Lemons
Vote: has 74.72 % from 42 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: old people
Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with ' I. ' Johnny: I is.. Teacher: No, that's not correct Johnny. You should always say, 'I am.' Johnny: Okay, 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
Vote: has 74.71 % from 481 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: little Johnny
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air? A: She missed.
Vote: has 74.71 % from 47 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: blonde
It's a slow day in heaven, so St. Peter decides to show a new guy around. St. Peter shows him all of the sights: the golf course, library, observation deck, cafeteria and a huge room full of clocks. "What's up with those clocks, Peter?" "Everyone on Earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the gates to be judged." The guy notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. St. Peter tells him that every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds up his clock. The guy notices one clock in the center of the ceiling with both hands whirling around at an unbelievable rate. "What's the story with that clock?" "Oh, that," St. Peter replies. That's George W. Bush's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."
Vote: has 74.70 % from 149 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: black humor, heaven, golf, political
Yo momma's so fat... Your family portrait has stretch marks
Vote: has 74.63 % from 184 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Yo mama
Little Johnny was heard by his mother reciting his homework: "Two plus two, the son of a bitch is four; four plus four, the son of a bitch is eight; eight plus eight, the son of a bitch!" Johnny shouted his mother "Watch your language! You're not allowed to use the swearwords." But, Mom, replied the boy, "That's what the teacher taught us, and she said to recite it out loud till we learned it." Next day Johnny's mother went right into the classroom to complain. "Oh, heavens" said the teacher. "That's not what I taught them. They're supposed to say, 'Two plus two, the sum of which is four."
Vote: has 74.63 % from 71 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: little Johnny, vulgar, math, teacher
A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantations asked about the prices. The doctor said, "Well, this Ph.D. brain costs \$10,000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs \$15,000. Here we have a policeman's brain as well. It costs \$50,000." The client asked, "What? How's that possible?" The doctor replied, "You see, it's totally unused."
Vote: has 74.61 % from 85 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: cop, hospital, money
So I asked a blonde, "Which is closer, Florida or the Sun?" She said, "The Sun, because I can look up and see it.
Vote: has 74.61 % from 85 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: blonde