Chuck Norris tried juggling once... and now we have our solar system.
Two cows were chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm." The other cow replied, "Hell, I ain't worried, it won't affect us ducks."
I asked the boss if I could get a raise, and he said, "Because of the fluctuational predisposition of your position's productive capacity as juxtaposed to the industry standards, it would be monetarily injudicious to advocate an increment." I said, "I don't get it." He said, "That's right."
Chuck Norris can piss into Gale force winds.
Chuck Norris can cash two party, out of state checks with no ID, or else!
Q: What's the difference between Chuck Norris and a bear? A: Chuck Norris has more chest hair.
Chuck Norris has no freezer. He stares at food and they freeze with fear.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.
A blonde meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic. "Everything ok with your car now?" "Yes, thank goodness," the blonde replies. "Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?" "Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"