Yo' mama's breath so nasty, I don't know whether to give her Tic-Tacs or toilet paper!
My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
Nurse: "If youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half."
Me: [visibly confused]
Wife: "The grapes, not the baby."
Thers a Blonde at a computer trying to play a game and it says "press any key to begin" and shes looking at the computer trying to find the any key
An elementary school class goes on a field trip to the police station.
The Officer points to the 10 MOST WANTED list and tells them that these are the most wanted fugitives in the USA.
Little Boy says " He is the MOST WANTED in the USA?!" Officer says "Yes."
Little Boy asks "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture.
Vote:
Trafic policeman: "Didn't you hear my whistle, madam?"
Woman driver: "Yes, but I don't like flirting while I'm driving."
The water in Rio is so bad that even Usain Bolt had the "runs" in his last race!
An ideal man doesn't drink, doesn't snore, doesn't watch football, doesn't argue and DOESNT'T EXIST.
If my main parachute doesn't open and my reserve parachute doesn't open, how long till i hit the ground?
The rest of your life...