"Are you two twins?"
"No, why do you ask?"
"Because mommy dressed you both in the same clothes."
"OK that's enough, your driver's license please."
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
As she lay there dozing next to me a voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax, you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients."
But another voice kept saying, "Howard, you are a veterinarian."
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A deer hunter asked his Pastor if it was a sin to hunt on Sunday.
"From what I hear about your aim," said the Pastor, "It's a sin for you to hunt anytime."
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office. I will find you. You have my Word.
Someone figured out my password.
Now I have to rename my dog.
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Someone once broke into Chuck Norris' house and instead of stealing anything they gave Chuck Norris everything they owned.
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Q: How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
A: The best ones squirt when you eat them.
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Q: What do a penis and a Rubik's Cubes have in common?
A: The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
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Three men were caught for murder on same day.
Very next day they were produced in the court.
After hearing all the arguments the judge decided to declare the verdict after lunch.
It happened to be his wife's birthday that day and he had promised to not give death penalty on her birthday to anyone.
After lunch judge announced that all the three accused will receive 500 lashes.
Since it's almost a death penalty all accused were asked for their last wish.
First one thought as nothing can save him now, wishes for noth ing.
He is lashed 500 times all over his body.
He was bleeding all over gasping for final breath and conciousness.
When second person was asked for his wish he thought for a moment and said, "I wish that 10 pillow is tied all over me."
Well, 500 lashes was given but he laughed all over as pillow absorbed all the forces of lashes.
Now, The third person was called and asked for his wish.
He looked around.
He saw first person facing his death and counting his last breath and second person laughing at first person calling him idiot.
He took some time and with deep breath said,"Tie second person over me. "