Q: How do you know your doctor is a vampire? A: He draws your blood from your neck with a straw!
When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.
Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
Q: How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Dude, the light bulb was cooler before it changed.
Chuck Norris was banned from the Olympics because his mere presence is considered a performance-enhancing substance.
Walker Texas Ranger wasn't an action crime drama, it was a documentary.
This woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks for a tattoo of a christmas tree on her right inner thigh and a cocktail drink on her left inner thigh. The tatoo artist say thats an unusual request. "Why do you want two tattoos there?" So she says "Because my husband needs to eat between christmas and new years."
Q: Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet? A: Because they can spend years at C!
50Cent used to be called DollarBill but Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked him to the face and now he's half the man he used to be.
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."