Best jokes ever

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, “Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex.” “But you are not wearing any of those things,” replied the artist. “I know,” she said. “It’s in case I should die before my husband. I’m sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.”
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has 70.33 % from 68 votes. More jokes about: husband, old people, wife
The car sped off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop. A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck. "Good lord, mister," he gasped, "Are you drunk?" "Of course," said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What the hell do you think I am ... a stunt driver?"
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has 70.33 % from 68 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, car, drunk
A boy tells his friend that he has a crush on his teacher. The second boy says, ‘Man, that is disgusting.’ The first boy says, ‘What? Everyone has a crush on their teacher.’ The second boy says, ‘Yeah, but you’re home-schooled.’
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has 70.32 % from 64 votes. More jokes about: school
What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities.
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has 70.32 % from 64 votes. More jokes about: kids, lawyer, sex
A Ham sandwich walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food."
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has 70.32 % from 64 votes. More jokes about: bar, food, life
Q: What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A: A ferrous wheel.
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has 70.32 % from 64 votes. More jokes about: chemistry, geek, nerd, science
3 Stages of Sex: 1. House Sex - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house, in every room. 2. Bedroom Sex - After you've been married for a while and you just have sex in the bedroom. 3. Hall Sex - After you've been married for many years, and you just pass each other in the hall and say, "F**k you!"
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has 70.32 % from 64 votes. More jokes about: life, marriage, sex
Three men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician standing at the top of a slide. The magician said, "You may each go down the slide and ask for a drink. When you reach the bottom of the slide, you shall land in a huge glass of that drink. The first man went down yelling, "Beer!" He landed in a glass of beer. The second man went down yelling, "Lemonade!" He landed in a glass of lemonade. The third guy man down the slide yelling, "Wee!"
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has 70.32 % from 64 votes. More jokes about: beer, disgusting
Chuck Norris once donated blood to a man, hes' known as Super Man.
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has 70.31 % from 186 votes. More jokes about: celebrity, Chuck Norris
Q: What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say when clients are leaving? A: “Thanks for coming!”
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has 70.29 % from 611 votes. More jokes about: sex
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