I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet, but only for like 20 seconds.
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's Day is a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the crap out of him."
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Joke has 69.45 % from 85 votes. More jokes about: black humor, love, navy, religious, Valentines day
The Bible says I'll pay for my sins.
I already do, Escorts, drugs and alcohol don't come free.
Teacher: If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4, what is 4+4?
Pupil: That's not fair! You answer the easy ones and leave us with the hard one!
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
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A blonde's redhead decides to show her a neat way to trick people.
You put your hand on a wall and ask someone to punch it.
But before they do, you pull your hand away!
"That is a neat trick," thinks the blonde, and tries desperately to remember it, but isn't all too successful.
Despite this, she decides to try it out on her blonde friend.
"Okay," she says, "I'm going to put my hand in front of my face..."
A woman went to a doctor and said , doctor, I have a problem.
Every time I sneeze I have an orgasm.
The doctor said, oh really, what have you been doing for it.
The woman replied, snorting pepper.
A boss took one of his employees to show his new sports car.
"That is amazing" the employee was fascinated.
"That is true" replied boss "and if you set your new goals higher and work even harder I can get an even better car next year".
An 87-year-old man chats with his doctor: "So, I'm getting married again next week, doc!"
"Oh, that's wonderful! And how old is the bride?"
"She's 19."
"That's fantastic – but I have to warn you, too much action in the bed can be deadly!"
"Ah well, if she dies, I'll just have to remarry."
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Joke has 69.39 % from 34 votes. More jokes about: communication, death, doctor, marriage, old people
Yo mama's so old her breast milk is powdered.