A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand." Not one hand went up...so she took them home and ate them.
One day little Johnny comes home one day from school and his mom asks him how his day was. He replies, "Mom, today I had sex with the teacher!" Immediately she was angry. She said, "just wait 'till your dad gets home, he's going to be very mad at you. Go to your room!" So the boy goes to his room and finally his dad is home and comes up to the room. The boy tells his dad and the dad is proud of the boy. "Great job son! How old are you 12? 13? How about we go down to the store and get that shiny red bicycle you wanted?" So, they go to the store and the dad buys the bike for his son. Then he says, "well Johnny, do you want to ride the bike home?" The boy answers, " No, that's okay Dad, My ass is still sore!"
What is the smallest hotel in the world? A p***y - because you gotta leave your bags outside!
A willy is like a tree in your 20's its like a rock hard oak. In your 30's & 40's its like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After your 50's its like a xmas tree, dead from the roots up & the balls are just there for decoration.
A guy goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The girl behind the counter says, “What size?” He says, “I don’t know.” She hold up a finger and says, “That big?” He says, “Bigger.” She holds up three fingers and says, “That big?” He says, “Smaller?” She holds up two fingers and he says, “That’s it.” She puts the two fingers in her mouth and says, “Medium.”
What has two wings and a halo? A Chinese telephone. Wing, Wing, Halo
Yo momma so ugly she threw a boomerang and it refused to come back.
A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients’ bedsides. When he finished he said, in farewell, “I hope you get better.” One elderly gentleman replied, “I hope you get better, too.”
Fly like a butterfly sting like a bee I slept with yo mama now it burns when I pee.
Rappers are like the pens at the bank. They all have chains on them, and don't write very well.