"I can't decide whether to buy a bicycle or a cow for my farm." "Well, wouldn't you look silly riding a cow?" "I d look a darn sight sillier trying to milk a bicycle!"
What does the fox say? Whatever the hell Chuck Norris tells him to.
One day, a man was fishing on a dock across from a hotel in the country, when another man came and sat down. By way of conversation, the man asked the other what he was doing there. "I'm on a honeymoon." "Oh. Shouldn't you be having sex with your wife?" "Well, I would be. But she has a yeast infection." "What about oral sex?" "Gingivitis." "Anal sex?" "Diarrhea." "Pardon my question, but why are you with her?" "Well, I like fishing. And she's got worms."
A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off. The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him. He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand." The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man. Then the preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hell please stand up!" The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he’s the only one standing. Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don’t know what we’re voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!"
Q:Where does a mexican shop for books? A: Borders
An eminent doctor successfully attended a sick child. A few days later, the grateful mother called on the physician. After expressing her realization of the fact that his services had been of a sort that could not be fully paid for, she continued: "But I hope you will accept as a token from me this purse which I myself have embroidered." The physician replied very coldly to the effect that the fees of the physician must be paid in money, not merely in gratitude, and he added: "Presents maintain friendship: they do not maintain a family." "What is your fee?" the woman inquired. "Two hundred dollars," was the answer. The woman opened the purse, and took from it five $100 bills. She put back three, handed two to the discomfited physician, then took her departure.
Chuck Norris has won tennis match against a wall.
Why do mexicans walk around the school like they own the place? Cause there dad built it and there mom cleans it at night.
A teacher asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favourite Bible stories. She was puzzled by a boy's picture which showed four people on an aircraft, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. 'The flight to Egypt,' he replied. 'I see... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus,' she said. 'But who's the fourth person?' 'Oh, that's Pontius – the Pilot!'
What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common? No ball room.