Guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.
"I think my privates are too small." he says.
The doctor asks him which drink he prefers. "Well, Lager," he replies, quite bemused.
"Ah. There's your problem. It shrinks things, those Lagers. You should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow."
Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face.
He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.
"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doc.
"No", replies the man "but I've got the wife on Lager!"
I ordered a foot-long sandwich from a take-out restaurant and asked the clerk to cut it into fourths.
"I'm sorry, I can't," she said. "I already cut it in half."
Yo mama so fat when she was in school she sat by everybody!
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Vote:
What happened to the lost cattle?
Nobody's herd.
There is nothing fun about a funeral, but despite that, I had a good laugh at the following reaction by my two children.
We, along with a bunch of other relatives, were following the hearse of my late great aunt.
When my daughter, who always tends to focus on the morbid things in life raised the dreaded question, "Dad, what's going to happen to us when you die?"
My son who was busy texting one of his friends at the time barely glanced up from his phone.
"We'll go in the limousine dummy."
Two entrepreneurs, Jack and John, decided to start a bungee-jumping business south of the border.
They went to Casa del Sol, Mexico, built a huge platform, and opened for business.
By noon the first day, they both noticed that while everyone was watching, no one was buying tickets.
Jack told John to go up and jump, so everyone could see how much fun it was, and then they would buy tickets and try it.
John jumped, almost reached the ground, and sprang back up.
Jack saw that his shirt was torn and his hair was mussed.
John came down again and sprang back up.
This time he had several bruises and his clothes were ripped to shreds.
The third time down and back up, and he had several open wounds, a broken arm, and was bruised over most of his body.
Jack quickly raised John to the platform and asked him what in the world was going on.
John replied, "I’m not sure. Do you know what 'pinata' means?"
What do spinach and anal sex have in common?
If you're forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.
Vote:
When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet.
Water gets Chuck Norris.
Vote:
This elderly Italian guy goes to his parish priest and asked if he would hear his confession.
The priest assured him that he would, and the two took up the customary positions on either side of the divider.
"Well, Father," began the old man, "At the beginning of World War II a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans.
So I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing," interjected the priest, "But it's certainly nothing you need to confess!"
"It's gets worse Father," continued the elderly fellow, "I was weak and I told her that she had to repay me for hiding her, by providing me with sexual favors."
The priest contemplated this disclosure for a minute and then responded, "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a very large risk.
You would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her.
I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil of your acts, and judge you kindly."
"Thank you Father," said the old man.
"That's a load off my mind!
Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I have to tell her that the war is over?"