Chuck Norris shaves with a hunting knife. "Shaving" consists of cutting a new mouth-hole every morning. That's how tough his beard is.
Mexicans cross the border 1...2...and 4 at one time, never 3. why? Because the sign says - no tres passing.
Chuck Norris once had a bet with the Hulk, the loser had to paint himself green.
"I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money." "Why do you say that?" "Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25'."
When you google up Chuck Norris, he googles you back for revenge.
An old man and old woman got married and went on their honeymoon. They were in bed getting ready to have sex for the first time and the old woman said, "I should tell you I have acute angina." The old man says, "I hope so. You sure don't have cute tits."
A reporter asked Chris Rock who do you think would win the presidency? He said quickly Obama. When asked why, he replied, has anyone ran a race with a Kenyan and won?
Chuck Norris can hack a Facebook account using Myspace.
Q: How do you know a blonde's having a bad day? A: Her tampon's behind her ear and she can't find her pencil...
The only sure things are Death and Taxes…and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.