Just the thought of using Chuck Norris in a war is considered a terrible crime against humanity.
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Q: Why do beavers spend a fortune on the Internet?
A: They never want to log off.
Q: Whats the generic form of Viagra?
A: Mycoxaflopin.
Teacher: If I lay one egg here and another there, how many eggs will there be?
Fred: None!
Fred (surprised): Why not?
Fred: Because you can't lay eggs!
Programming is like sex
One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
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The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby.
Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.
"Was it my friend Sam", he demanded.
"No !" his weeping wife replied.
"Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked.
"NO !!!" she said even more upset.
"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.
"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.
A guy is flying in a hot air balloon and he's lost.
So he lowers himself over a field and shouts to a guy on the ground:"Can you tell me where I am, and which way I'm headed?"
"Sure! You're at 43 degrees, 12 minutes, 21.2 seconds north; 123 degrees, 8 minutes, 12.8 seconds west. You're at 212 meters above sea level. Right now, you're hovering, but on your way in here you were at a speed of 1.83 meters per second at 1.929 radians"
"Thanks! By the way, are you a statistician?"
"I am! But how did you know?"
"Everything you've told me is completely accurate; you gave me more detail than I needed, and you told me in such a way that it's no use to me at all!"
"Dang! By the way, are you a principal investigator?"
"Geeze! How'd you know that?"
"You don't know where you are, you don't know where you're going. You got where you are by blowing hot air, you start asking questions after you get into trouble, and you're in exactly the same spot you were a few minutes ago, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"
A guy goes to the store to buy condoms.
"Do you want a bag?", the cashier asks.
"No", the guy says, "She's not that ugly."
Q: Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes on them?
A: So that when they come into port, they can Scandinavian.
Chuck Norris was mauled by a bear once, then the bear woke up and apologized.
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