My New Years resolution is 1080p.
Q: Why did the can crusher quit his job? A: Because it was soda pressing.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
It's graduation day, and everybody's going to get their diploma but Josh. At the assembly, the entire senior class stands up and shouts "Let Josh graduate, let Josh graduate!" The principal agrees to give Josh one last chance. "If I have five apples in my right hand and five in my left hand, Josh, how many apples do I have?" he asked. Josh thought long and hard and then said: "Ten." And the entire senior class stood up and shouted, "Give Josh another chance. Give Josh another chance!"
Q: How many hipsters does it take to flush a toilet? A: You can't touch that toilet, it's art.
You are so old, you sat next to Jesus in school.
Q: What do you get if you cross a fence post was a kitty? A: A poleca.
You don't have to wait until midnight to see my balls drop.
Santa Clause doesn't watch you sleep but Chuck Norris does.
There is no use crying over split milk, unless it's Chuck Norris' milk.