Best jokes ever

A Guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says, "I bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus can't play." The people in the bar look around and someone fetches out an old guitar. The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and starts playing the guitar. The octopus' owner pockets the fifty bucks. The next guy comes up with a trumpet, octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks it's lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy hands over another fifty bucks to the octopus' owner. The bar owner has been watching all this and disappears out back, coming back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar and says to the guy, "Now if your octopus can play that I'll give you a hundred dollars." The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, and has another look from a different angle. Puzzled, the octopus' owner comes up and says, "What are you pissing around for? Hurry up and play the damn thing!" The octopus says, "Play it? If I can figure out how to get it's pajama's off, I'm gonna screw it!"
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has 63.65 % from 117 votes. More jokes about: animal, bar, disgusting, money, music
Chuck Norris can finish Mario Bros without using the jump button.
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has 63.65 % from 117 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, game
Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 10 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 10 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs."
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has 63.65 % from 462 votes. More jokes about: catholic, husband, kids, marriage
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207...
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has 63.64 % from 514 votes. More jokes about: sex
Sundials tell the time according to the position of Chuck Norris.
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has 63.63 % from 120 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, time
One day this little girl’s dad came home and she runs up to him. “Daddy, the cat died today!” “Well, darling,” said the dad. “That’s just something that happens.” “But why are his arms and legs up in the air?” “Well, darling, that’s just something they do.” She takes the death fairly well and doesn’t mention it until a few days later. When the dad comes home, she runs up to him. “Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today!” “What are you talking about?” “I came downstairs and I heard her screaming ’Oh Jesus, take me, take me!’ And she had her arms and legs up in the air and if it hadn’t been for the mailman trying to revive her she would have died.”
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has 63.61 % from 48 votes. More jokes about: cat, dad, death, kids
Q: What do you call a very small valentine? A: A valen-tiny!
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has 63.61 % from 48 votes. More jokes about: communication, Valentines day
A blonde, brunette, and redhead are all on a building about to jump off. They all jump at the same time. Which one landed last? The blonde because she asked for directions.
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has 63.61 % from 48 votes. More jokes about: blonde
As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said, “All right! All you dummies fall out.” As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention. The instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow. I smiled and said, “Sure was a lot of ‘em, huh sir?”
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has 63.61 % from 48 votes. More jokes about: military
Question: Why do men die before their wives? Answer: Because they want to.
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has 63.61 % from 48 votes. More jokes about: death, men, wife, women
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