A guy walks into an auto shop and says, "I'd like a gas cap for my KIA." The car mechanic thinks for a few seconds then says, "Ok, that seems like a fair trade."
The most expensive part of having kids is all the wine you have to drink.
Q: What's a horny pirate's worst nightmare? A: A sunken chest with no booty!
What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders? A scrotum pole!
A driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and dashed off: "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses." Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job... Lead us not into temptation."
What is the ideal cockpit crew? A pilot and a dog. The pilot is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to bite the pilot in case he tries to touch anything.
Chuck Norris can say never.
Chuck Norris is danger's middle name.
A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?" "Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"
A chubbier woman: "Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?" Mirror: "Kindly move aside. I can't see anything."