Best jokes ever

How can you tell if a man is aroused? He's breathing.

This old guy goes into a church in a small town in the hills of Italy and asks the priest to hear his confession. The priest listens and then asks, "Is there anything else?" The old guy says, "During the war, when I was young, a beautiful Germam girl came to my farm after escaping and asked me if I would hide her. I told her I would if she provided me with sexual favors." The priest replies, "Don't worry about it. It was wartime and you both were under a lot of pressure." The old guy says, "Does that mean that I have to tell her that the war is over?"

Superman can leap tall buildings in a single bound. Chuck Norris just picks the buildings up and moves them out of his way.

Yo mama is so stupid that she thought starbucks are money in space.

Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms? They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

There was this Mexican guy, Black guy, and Asian guy all working for the same construction company. At the beginning of the day the boss calls a meeting with them about today's work. They were all pretty new, so they had to be assigned jobs  He says to the Mexican guy, "You're in charge of the cement."  He says to the Black guy, "You're in charge of the dirt."  He says to the Asian guy, "You're in charge of the supplies."  After delegating out all the responsibilities he says, "I'm gonna be back at the end of the day to check on your work. It better be good or you're all fired." The boss was quite serious and had a reputation for being shrewd. They immediately get to work.  At the end of the day, the boss comes back and checks on their work. He looks at the big pile of cement and says, "Nice work," to the Mexican guy. He looks at the big pile of dirt and says, "Nice work," to the Black guy. He looks around and can't find the Asian guy anywhere so he asks, "Where the heck is that Asian guy?"  All of a sudden, the Asian jumps out from behind the big pile of dirt and yells, "SUPPLIES!"

Note to self: Don’t be the cashier to tell Chuck Norris his coupons have expired.

I wish my girlfriend had warned me about the ceiling mirror in her bedroom. I lay down ready for her, then ran out screaming – I’d looked up and thought I was being attacked by a naked skydiver.

Did you hear about the homosexual letter? Only came in male boxes.

One day in class, the teacher says: "Joe, 'I read, you read' what tense is that?" "Simple Lost tense!"