Little Johnny, "Why are you so fat?"
Little Billy, "Cause Every time I fuck ur mom she gives me a doughnut."
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: What? No!
Gmail: Call the police
Rome wasn't built in a day because they didn't ask Chuck Norris for help.
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Two Italian virgins marry and go on their honeymoon.
Unfortunately, neither knows what to do when they get there.
The newlyweds call the groom's mother for advice.
The mother says that they should sit on the bed together, snuggle, and things should happen from there.
The newlyweds do this, but nothing happens.
The groom calls his mother back.
She says they should take their clothes off, get under the covers, and nature should take its course.
The bride and groom take his mother's advice, but still nothing comes to mind.
He calls his mother a third time.
Getting frustrated with the situation, she says, "Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and stick it in her hairiest spot!"
The groom is quiet for a moment and then asks his mother, "I've got my nose in her armpit, now what?"
Chuck Norris does not need to freeze water to make ice, he just stares at water and scares it stiff.
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How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a feminist?
A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Urine.
Urine who?
Urine trouble if you don't open the door.
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Q: What do you call a terrorist attack in the Middle East?
A: A Selfie!
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Chuck Norris went to school so he could be studied.
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Whats the second thing thats hard in the morning? waking up!