Man comes home to his wife and says to her: "With the new pair of glasses, you look like sh.t." "But I don't have a new pair of glasses..." she replies. "But, I do."
Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over a 100 miles per hour. "Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?" The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do." "Oh, NOOOO!" yelled the brunette. "Are his flashers on?" The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope...yup..."
A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
What is something nine out of ten people enjoy? Gang rape.
After watching the grades of his child, the angry father said, "After seeing your grades, I feel like teaching a lesson or two and want to give a tight slap." The child excitedly says, "Yes dad, lets go, I know the addresses of all my teachers, we must teach them a lesson."
Yo mama so fat when god said let there be light she was told to move out of the way.
Q: How did Dairy Queen get pregnant? A: Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper.
A tourist in Sweden is drinking in a bar when an attractive woman sits next to him. ‘Hello,’ he says. ‘Do you speak English?’ ‘Oh I speaking not much English,’ replies the woman. ‘How much?’ asks the man. The woman replies, ‘200 Kroner.’
Who are the fastest readers in the world? 9/11 victims. They went through 87 stories in 10 seconds.
There was once a lady making a stew for dinner when she found she had no onions,so with no time to waste she raced to the shops, burst in saying could i have some onions please. The shopkeeper replied sorry lady we are fresh out of onions. The lady said but i really need onions and gave all the reasons why in one big sentence. The shopkeeper said look lady,I`ll put it to you another way and continued to ask her- if you take the o from tomato what do you have? The lady said tomat,Yes said the man and if you take the o from potato what do you have? The lady said potat. Yes said the man behind the counter,now if you take the fuck out of onions what do you have? "But there's no fuck in onions",said the lady,Yes said the man, That's what I have been trying to tell you!"