What does an octopus wear on a cold day?
A coat of arms.
A little lizard was walking through the forest to see his pal the monkey.
The monkey call out hey little buddy come up here I got some great pot.
So the little lizard climbed up the tree.
The little lizard and the monkey smoked a great big joint.
The little lizard said hey this stuff is great but I have horrible cottonmouth.
Well there is a river just down there.
So the little lizard walk down the tree through the brush and started to drink the water.
All of a sudden a crocodile came out of the water.
Hey little buddy waz up said the croc, "I just got stoned with my pal the monkey."
"Really" said the croc, "where is he I want some."
He is through the brush and up the tree.
So the croc walked through the brush and to the tree.
The monkey said "holy shit how much did you drink little buddy."
Your Mother is so fat, her water heater needs a nuclear reactor.
Q: Why do goalkeepers spend ages on the Internet?
A: Because they can't stop saving their work.
How do you know Charles Sweeney was dyslexic?
He wanted to order the flaming saganagi, but he accidentally ordered a flaming Nagasaki.
Vote:
Show me a man with a nub for an index finger, and I'll show you a man that asked Chuck Norris to "Pull my Finger"
Vote:
Yo' Mama is so fat, when she farts, it comes out at the ankles of her tight-ass jeans.
My girlfriend admitted to me she was once a Christian, so I immediately broke up with her.
It may come across as judgmental, but really, I've only ever known and loved her as Christine.
Vote:
Q: What do you get when you complete science class?
A: A graduated cylinder.
Vote:
Q: Why did the blonde take more than one pregnancy test?
A: Because she slept with more than one guy.