Q: What is the worst thing an emergency doctor can tell you after admitting your MIL? A: Sir, we were able to save her!
A man asks a farmer near a field, "Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train." The farmer says, "Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you'll even catch the 4:11 one."
Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six. One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs!
An elderly woman went to her doctor, complaining about not being able to hear out of one ear. The doctor then took his penlight, looked in her ear, then took his tweezers, reached in, and pulled something out. After examining the object for a second, he exclaimed, "Well...it seems you inserted a suppository into your ear...". The old lady thought for a second, then responded "Gee...I guess that explains why I can't find my hearing-aid...!".
What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine? The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Place a pair of pants and shoes inside the only toilet stall in a rest room to make it appear someone is using it all day.
Fill someone's hair-dryer with baby powder.
"Didja hear the news?" asked Keenan of his pal at the saloon. "Harrigan drank so much, his wife left him!" "Bartender! Give me six boilermakers!"
Contrary to what people say, you can indeed drink to relax. Of course sometimes, you get so calm, you cant move.
Relationship Status: just tried to reach for my dog's paw and he pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.