Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin.
As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee.
"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."
An elderly lady was concerned about her husband’s hearing.
It seemed that every time she would call him, he wouldn’t respond.
So, the lady went to the doctor to ask his advice.
The doctor said to her, “when you go home, tell your husband to stand at the end of the hallway, and you should stand at the other end. Ask him what he wants for dinner. Continue to move him closer towards you until he responds to your question so you know exactly how far away he is from you when he finally hears you.”
She thought this was a great idea.
When she got home, she placed her husband at the end of the hallway and yelled, “Herbert, what do you want for dinner?”
There was no response.
She moved 10 feet closer.
Again she yelled, “Herbert, what do you want for dinner?”
No response.
She moved another 15 feet closer to where she was now practically face to face with her husband.
She yelled even louder this time, “HERBERT, what do you want for dinner?”
Herbert yelled back at her, “For the THIRD time, I want chicken!”
Vote:
A stranger walks up to an Egyptian man at the Cairo bazaar and offers to sell him contraband Viagra for 100 Egyptian pounds.
The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth it."
The stranger says, "How about 20?"
The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth it."
The stranger says, "How about 10?"
The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth it."
The stranger says, "Listen, these pills cost $10 each in the U.S. How can you say they're not worth it?"
The Egyptian man says, "Oh, the pills are worth it my wife isn't."
A dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.
When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.
Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks, "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"
Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.
"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"
A mother was teaching his child about the side-effects of alcohol.
She gets two short glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.
She says "I want you to see this."
She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around.
She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately.
She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?"
The child responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.
One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp.
They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.
The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."
The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life.
I just want to go home." POOF!
The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life.
I wish I could go home too." POOF!
The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.
The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"
The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."
Vote:
A father, mother, and son were going to Europe and were going to visit the nude beaches while they were there.
They didn't want the son to get a distorted view of beauty, so they told him, "The men with really big dicks and the girls with really, really big boobs were both really, really dumb."
When they got to the beach they split up.
Later the mother saw the son and asked where his dad was.
The boy said, ''Well, the last time I saw him he was talking to this really, really, dumb blonde, and the longer they talked, the dumber he got.''