First Cannibal: "Who was that girl I saw you with last night?"
Second Cannibal: "That was no girl, that was my supper."
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Person 1: What's the difference between a blonde and garbage?
Person 2: Garbage gets taken out at least once a week.
Person 1: Wrong. You tie the garbage up before you take it out.
My New Years resolution is 1080p.
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Happy Father's Day to the only person on the planet still willing to employ me.
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Q: What does a cooked chicken and a stoner who is afraid of everything have in common?
A: They are both baked chickens.
I took my wife's family out for biscuits and tea.
They weren't very happy about having to donate blood though.
Yo mamma is so fat that she's a call of duty map!
Yo momma so skinny she looks like a mic stand.
Doctor: "What seems to be your trouble?"
Patient: "When I get up I feel dizzy for one hour."
Doctor: "Try getting up one hour later."
Guns sleep with a picture of Chuck Norris under their pillows.
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