About 4,000 years ago: God: "I shall create a great plague and every living thing on Earth will die!" Fish: *Winks at God and slips him a $20 note* God: "Correction, I shall create a great flood!"
Why did the bareback performer ride his horse? Because it got too heavy to carry.
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You’re cute!” Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’?” His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”
Pavlov walks into a bar. The phone rings, and he says, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog."
Yo mama is so fat that it's still printing her picture she took during her last Christmas.
What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs? An elephant with diarrhea.
Q: What's blue and doesn't fit? A: A dead epileptic.
Q: What do Captain Kirk and toilet paper have in common? A: They both wipe out klingons.
Why do orphans like playing tennis? Because it's the only love they get.
Why do decent white folks shop at nigger yard sales? To get all their stuff back.